Wednesday, December 2, 2009

His plans are greater than ours

Several years ago I sufferred a miscarriage. Honestly, right now I can't even tell you how far along I was. Details like that have faded with time. What hasn't faded though is my memory of two things:
1. How God prepared me and my husband for it.
2. How God used my experience to help someone else.

I'll start with the first one. We were very excited to be expecting again. I had already wrote notes in my journal to the "baby", and we had started to teach our daughter how to hold her baby-doll for when her little brother or sister came along. However, I started having 'thoughts' (or in the church world you could call them visions) about the possibility that the pregnancy wouldn't last. In these 'visions' I had to walk through the aftermath of losing the pregnancy. I tried to get rid of them. I thought maybe the devil was putting bad thoughts in my head and I just needed to close that door and not let fear into my household. But the thing was, I wasn't really afraid. I simply was experiencing these thoughts or visions. And in each one, I would think about how sad I would be if that happened and how I would have to carry on, and what I would do to 'smooth over' the information to my daughter that a new baby wasn't coming. My husband at the same time happened to be having dreams about the pregnancy too. We didn't know this till we discussed it the day the doctor told us, and we then realized, yes, indeed God had been preparing us mentally to handle the news.
Well, he was having dreams too, and they were about the pregnancy. But his dreams were about it going full term, and that I did not survive it. So obviously he was enduring some turmoil because he doesn't know why he is having these dreams either and he certainly doesn't want his wife to die. Well, to jump ahead, I go to the doctor for a check up and the doctor does the thing on my belly and looks on the screen. Now since I already have a child, this is not new to me, so I know the routine, we look at the pictures, he does measurements, we ooh and aah, and everything is sweet and cool and laid back and relaxed. However, this time, I can tell he is not laid back and relaxed. He is intently looking at the screen and re-doing measurements. I know something is wrong. They haven't told me yet. But I know. They do eventually tell me. Yes, of course I cry. Even though I can look back and say God prepared me, when u are in the middle of it u don't feel all that "preparedness". And of course it is our child so I am very sad and heartbroken. I call my husband. Then drive around for a bit. Then call my office and tell them what happened and that I won't be coming back into work that day. I then head to my husband's office and we mourn our loss. We also tell each other about our dreams and visions and we realize that God was preparing us for this. He prepared my husband to realize that this was probably best, because something even worse would happen if the pregnancy continued, so even though he was sad about losing the baby, he knew God's hand was in it, because I was spared.
He prepared me on how to handle the aftermath. That's what all my dreams were about, 'what happens next'. So I simply walked out what God had shown me in those dreams.

The next day, I go back to work and... I work. I guess you could say I handle it with dignity and courage. But you know what? Its just God. He is great and He loves us. And as much as we wanted that child to come to fruition, it didn't . We don't know why, but in heaven we will find out, and also get to meet him/her for the first time. I don't know why but at the time I can't say the word miscarriage. I really don't know why, but when people come up to me (its a large building where I work) and ask about the baby, I simply say I am no longer pregnant. I guess looking back that could sound weird (as if I had had an abortion), but at the time I simply couldn't say I had had a miscarriage. I don't cry at work, I am very congenial and respectful of those who are asking, knowing that my answer is not what they expected and they don't know what to do or say now. I simply go on... and work. I oversaw 3 people at the time, so we all sat in the same office so they were next to me day in and day out. It wasn't like I could go behind closed doors and freak out.
By the way, on a side note, I would like to mention there was one woman who stood out to me in this experience. When asked about the baby and I replied, she KEPT looking me straight in the eye, and said she was sorry to hear that. Very simple. Very true. Very honest. I have to admit, I learned something from HER. I never knew how to handle it when people told me uncomfortable news. My eyes would avert as most people's do, but I knew mine did it a lot, because I was really uncomfortable. I learned from her, that when someone is going through something difficult. You don't have to have the answers, and most likely you don't. But you can listen, and you can look them in the eye and give them your full attention. I respected her reactions more than anything else. Even though they were so simple.
By the way, the miscarriage didn't turn out to be so simple. My body didn't want to let go so for about six months I was dealing with bleeding issues, so the two women who worked with me were aware of this and watched as I dealt with this as well. The doctors and my husband wanted me to do a D&C, but I did not, and never did. God finally finished it (at work one day[lovely!]) and we were then able to move on to try for another baby.

But this leads us to #2. One of the women who worked with me,became pregnant shortly after my 6month ordeal had finally ended. We were all very excited. However, a month or two later, she had a miscarriage. I actually had already 'retired' , so when I heard about it, I called her to offer my condolences and ask if there was anything I could do for her (this was her first pregnancy). She basically said to me: "no, you've already done enough. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think watching you go though what you did, helped me to see that this is going to be alright. The way you handled everything really set an example for me and I can see that God is in control and I will be fine."
I didn't take it the wrong way. In fact, when I had had the miscarriage I thought to myself, "you know, since I had such a easy time getting pregnant the first time and had never sufferred any miscarriages or fertility issues , I felt like I really didn't know how to relate to people who had. It wasn't that I didn't feel for them, I just sort of felt clueless about their ordeal. I could nod my head and listen, but I didn't know what they were feeling. Now that I had gone through something myself, I could now relate and I felt I could be a better friend to lean on."
Her telling me this, just made it more obvious to me that God can use any situation to better His kingdom. She was already a Christian, but she saw God in me in the way I reacted to my situation, so when she went through the same situation she didn't have fear or as many questions. She was at peace and trusting God still. My reaction of keeping God first (and not yelling "why God Why God?! why me?!" or getting mad at God,) helped to show her that God can walk us through even difficult times.

So I share this today to hopefully be a help to others. If you have experienced something similar this may help you. But more than that I think we can learn that it is the way we behave everyday that has the greatest impact on those around us. If we are a shining light for God, then His reflection is seen in what we do. Others can't help but notice it. How can one miss a light shining in the dark? All I can say is praise God! For He is almighty and all-knowing! Whatever troubles you are experiencing in life, know that God is there with you, and He WILL walk you through. Every trial we experience should be used to praise God and show His glory, because we will for sure grow from that experience and will be a better servant of God because of it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Rene. Obviously I didn't know this. Your life is such a blessing and witness to so many! I hope I will remember what you said about the "averting the eyes" thing and try to do better there. I always feel like I hav to say something..and sometimes, there just ISN'T anything to say.
    Thanks for sharing!